Chronicling certain episodes as I traipse through life not only gives me writing practice; it forces me to notice and become aware of seemingly unimportant details that heretofore simply blended in with the day-to-day mix. For example, just yesterday, a special friend and I had a heart-to-heart talk about the safety net that is AA…and how reliance on the program, especially in times of greatest need–like when life especially sucks–can be a life saver. And what do you know? One of my morning readings this morning was about that “safety net.” That’s not coincidence. It’s reinforcement.

Now, dear reader, you probably don’t have an issue with pride and ego, but I do (thank you for pointing that out, AA) and I used to think that me/myself/I could handle most anything, just as long as power tools weren’t involved. After all, there were some accomplishments that I was pretty darn proud of. But the reality is that just recently, my disease reared its ugly head…and I’ve been sober more than four years! It was starting to affect my relationships, which was causing me to isolate, which in turn was fueling a growing reliance on self, which was causing even more isolation. Like a tsunami, it started inconspicuously and was becoming very scary. Loved ones kept their distance. 

What I didn’t realize was that I was like a tightrope walker whose balance was compromised; I was unbalanced, off kilter. I tried managing the situation myself (damn you, pride and ego!), but of course, it was inevitable that I would eventually fall. I had to; after all, the situation could not be sustained indefinitely. It all came down to this: At what point was I willing to let go and let God? 

When I couldn’t hang on anymore.

Thank God for my safety net! In a moment of clarity–or maybe it was desperation–I did what has been repeated over and over in meetings: Pick up the phone and call someone. Rather than letting the situation spiral out of control (either internally or externally), call someone. There really is safety in numbers, and all I had to do was let go of my pride reach for it. 

All of this taught me an important lesson. Being vulnerable isn’t a sign of weakness. In fact, vulnerability allows for multiple streams of strength to flow my way. Hopefully, next time the tsunami threatens, it won’t take me so long to reach for my safety net.  ?