My good friend Carol mused recently that she saw a little bit of Alexander Hamilton in my writing after reading the latest installment of My Private Life (MPL), saying that I write my way out of situations like he did. And I do.
Even though I haven’t posted anything for nearly a month the truth is that I have been writing a lot…but what I’ve written is private and confidential. I’m just not one to live out loud on social media. I email MPL to five friends I trust explicitly. I know they’ll hold whatever I tell them in confidence, and so I’m able to write freely. I’m careful not vent (because who wants to hear that?), but rather tell them what I’m learning about myself as I trudge along on this particular portion of my journey. And, wow. I’m learning a lot.
Life has peaks and valleys, and right now I’m climbing my way out of a valley. Nothing tragic, thank God, just Life. Thank God, indeed. Though it isn’t easy, I’m striving to release a situation I’d rather control and let my higher power take over. If this particular situation had happened just a few years ago, I’d probably be checking a different marital status box on IRS Form 1040. I’ve never been more grateful to be in recovery. I definitely am not the same person I used to be.
The past few months have seemed like a roller coaster at times, complete with ups, downs, 360 degree loops, and terrifying descents. I think back to one of my favorite movies, Parenthood, where the grandmother compares marriage to a roller coaster ride…something that made her “so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, so thrilled all together.” So maybe my situation isn’t unique.
When I lived on a sailboat I quickly learned that the wind is never ‘just right.’ Most times it came right out of the direction we wanted to go, and it was only by tacking back and forth that we made any forward progress, and always much slower than desired. Believe me, sailing is neither as easy nor as relaxing as it appears! There is always something to do. A sailor needs to pay close attention and know when to pull the sails taut and when to let them out, all the while keeping his hand on the helm so that he can make slight, constant adjustments to the rudder.
It’s the same way with our closest relationships. Smooth sailing often gives way to both storms and doldrums. Here are just a few of the adjustments that have helped me lately, and maybe they’ll help you, too. Granted, they’re not easy to do, but they are simple:
Vow to live just for today. Just in this particular 24-hour period. This is vital. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn’t here yet. Do what needs to be done today, and tomorrow will take care of itself.
Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge that you can’t control anyone or any circumstance–just your self and your responses.
Be openminded to the idea of a source of power outside your self. There is a reason the stars don’t fall out of the sky, that it always takes 365 days for the earth to travel completely around the sun, and that there’s a certain order to the seasons. Even if you don’t believe in a power greater than yourself, just be openminded. Or at least realize it’s not all about you.
Be willing to do the next RIGHT thing, whatever it may be. Sometimes it will not be what you want to do at that particular moment, but just do whatever needs to be done next. Don’t worry that you won’t know…your heart will let you know what ‘it’ is.
In “Parenthood,” the grandmother goes on to say that, “Some didn’t like it (the roller coaster.) They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.”
So it is with Life. We can choose to either play it safe or take a leap of faith. I think I’ll put my trust in the latter.